Ashley Elizabeth

1. I am not mentally here
on a typical day
the top row of my teeth
get to glisten in the sunlight
as I talk about hair
and makeup and nails
and the little things
that don’t really matter
while I convince you
that this smile is real.
It is not.

2. I am angry
I have not gotten better
unless you count better
at hiding things
better at alcoholism
and anorexia
and exercise
and destroying my kidneys

3. I’m fine
this is something I say
when I am not fine.
“Fine” is my go to word
when my world
is collapsing
and I’m falling
and there’s no one there
to catch me

4. I am sad
“I am sad” is not the same
as “I am depressed”
do not use it as such
but I am both

5. I have scars
that no one can see
And sometimes I want to make more

6. I am enough
I am enough
I am enough
the more I say it
the more ludicrous it sounds
but I know it’s something
I have to believe
if I want to stay alive

7. I want to stay alive
I just don’t know how.

8. I am not at my end
I know I am not at the end.
I just need to push through
pick and choose my battles
and live.
Take a deep breath in
and breathe out.

9. I am here
I am enough
I just wish I was more.